How come even my old, annoying, extremely flawed parents can manage to find somebody to love them and I can't ?
It doesn't seem possible. It doesn't seem fair.
Far from me to say I'm perfect, but I can't be worse than them. Why has nobody ever shown interest in me ? I know I'm shy and it may seem like I keep to myself, but surely that's not enough of a reason to explain it.
Hmm.
One little detail can change your life completely. The butterfly effect, they call it.
Finding out that the boy I liked when I was 12 liked me too, 8 years later, makes me think. What if ?
What if I had gone out with him ? (gone out like two 12 year-olds can go out, holding hands in the schoolyard and exchange a few kisses)
Would I have turned out differently ?
Definitely.
Would it be for the best or for the worst ?
Probably a little of both, depending on how you look at it. Yes, I might have had more self-confidence. And not be afraid like I am today. But I might also have turned out like one of these silly girls that I hate.
Or maybe I could have turned out exactly the same. My old insecure paranoid self. Who knows ?
I can't help but wonder.
Hmm.
I'm waiting. Waiting for my life to start. I keep expecting something to happen to me that will change everything. But nothing ever does. I am aware that I should probably stop wasting my time and just do something, instead of just waiting for something that might never come, but I'm too afraid. Of what ? Everything. I have a very hard time making choices. And when I really have to, I just do the sensible thing, what society would qualify as the right choice. But what about what I really want ? Well that's the problem, I don't know what I want. Or maybe I do but I don't have the guts to make it happen. I can't stand risk. Just thinking about taking a risk makes me uncomfortable. So I wait and dream my life instead of living it. It's sad really, I'm wasting my youth and one day I'll probably look back and kick myself for it. Why am I so tormented ? Hmm.
Life is funny. One minute you're standing there, going about, full of thoughts and purpose. And the next, everything stops. You become lifeless, empty. And nothing matters anymore. Hmm.
